I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
