i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Pooping to opera.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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