Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
