I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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