i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
