I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
