Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
