I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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