Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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