New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
