I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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