There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
