I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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