My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
i've created a new STD.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
