even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
