this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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