Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
