Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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