I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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