WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize