i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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