Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
