I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
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