I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
