I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
