She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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