I love black thongs
My liver just broke up with me...
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
