i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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