I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
