thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?