I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.