proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
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you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.