Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
