so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
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