Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
