You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
