I wish I could teleport
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
