I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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