A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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