I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
