you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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