Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
