WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
