me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
