my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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