Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
