Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
