So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
