Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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