Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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