I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
