someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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