...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
