Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
