Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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