i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
we're chasing vodka with high fives
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i wish my penis had a tongue
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
