Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
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