I can text with my tongue
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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