When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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